Review: How to Know a Person

There are there a few books that I come across now that I’m officially “retired” from the pastorate that I sincerely wish I had been able to read, digest and act on as a young pastor. David Brook’s latest book, How to Know a Person: The Art of Seeing Others Deeply and Being Deeply Seen is one of those rare books.

Ministry Is about Relationships

For me, pastoral ministry essentially boils down to loving God, loving people, and doing all we can to foster and nurture a life-giving relationship between the first (God) and the second (people). I.e., it’s about relationships.

We can be good at organization, great at leading worship and marvelous at preaching or teaching God’s truth from Scripture. But if we stink at developing real, open, loving relationships with people, the rest will probably be just “dust in the wind.”

As Brooks observes,

There is one skill that lies at the heart of any healthy person, family, school, community organization, or society: the ability to see someone else deeply and make them feel seen—to accurately know another person, to let them feel valued, heard, and understood.

I would add, it’s also an essential skill that lies at the heart of pastoral ministry in the body of Christ.

However, in general we human beings (even those of us who are pastors) don’t do this very well. We are surrounded by people who feel invisible, unseen, misunderstood; people who yearn to be seen for who they are. And we can be a blind to the real them as a proverbial bat!

Being Seen by God

Being seen is what drew two significant Biblical characters close enough to God to trust Him and into following Jesus. I’m thinking, first, of Hagar, who says of the Lord God in Genesis 16:13: “You are the God who sees me” and in delight proclaims, “I have now seen the One who sees me” NIV). That gives her the capacity to trust God enough to stay in a tough situation rather than run from it.

The second, from chapter one of John’s gospel, is Nathanael who, accompanied by Philip, comes to meet Jesus who greets him as “a genuine son of Israel—a man of complete integrity” (Jn 1:47, NLT).

Nathanael responds with a question: “How do you know me?”  To which Jesus replies—"I saw you under the fig tree before Philip called you” (Jn 1:48, NIV). It’s being seen that prompts the first affirmation of faith from Nathanael: “Rabbi, you are the Son of God; you are the king of Israel” (Jn 1:49, NIV).

How Do We Know Others?

For me, as a natural introvert, bridging relational divides takes practice and effort, engaging skills and tools that encourage relationships to grow. However, I understand (from my more “outgoing” friends) that even extroverts struggle to let go of their own stuff long enough to hear, see and focus on another person. It seems this is a universal problem.

This is where I find Brooks particularly useful. When we (introverts or extroverts) want to know someone—how do we do it? What does it mean to cast a just and loving attention on someone? How well do we listen and what kinds of conversations should we have? Our individual stories are crafted over a lifetime—what sorts of questions are best to understand how someone understands themselves and the world around them?

To try to answer these questions, Brooks draws from an interdisciplinary cast of sources, literary, historical, scientific, educational and psychological sources, shares some personal anecdotes, and relates longer profile stories of a host of well-known people like Vivian Gornick, Zora Neale Hurston, and Frederick Buechner.

The result is a welcoming, hopeful, practical and integrated way to approach human connections that helps us find the joy that comes from being seen and discover the wonder of seeing the image of God in others. This book has been called, “a hands-on guide to making meaningful human connections.” I would agree wholeheartedly.

For example, Brooks calls attention to listening skills like asking open-ended questions using phrases like "How did you…," "What's it like…," "Tell me about…," and "In what ways…"; questions that invite people to share their experiences and perspectives in a more in-depth way. He discusses "looping," in which we paraphrase what someone just said to ensure we've understood them correctly. He also mentions the well-known (but less practiced) SLANT method to convey attention and interest in a conversation: Sit up, Lean forward, Ask questions, Nod, and Track the speaker. And more.

Chapters on “Hard Conversations,” “How Do You Serve a Friend Who Is in Despair?” “The Art of Empathy” and “How Were You Shaped by Your Sufferings?” are crucial for anyone with a call to care and to love others—including Stephen Ministers, deacons, counselors and others.

Trying it Out

Recently I “experimented” with one specific skill or technique that Brooks highlights: “Ask people to tell you their stories.” Wow! The particular stories people told (whether about their long-past life or just last week) and how they told them opened up their heart and soul, which is pure gold in any relationship or ministry. I discovered things about a couple of people in my life that I’ve “known” for years of which I was totally unaware, which knowing now deepens my love for them and increases empathy.

“When someone is telling you their story,” says Brooks, “you get a much more personal, complicated, and attractive image of the person. You get to experience their experience.” Amen.

How to Know a Person challenges us to put its insights into practice. It calls us to be intentional in our interactions, whether that means asking more thoughtful questions, fully listening to the answers, or expressing genuine appreciation. It invites us to approach conversations with generosity and curiosity, looking for ways to connect and understand. It points out that even small things—like asking the right question at the right time or giving a nice compliment—can make a big difference in building relationships and opening up opportunities for real ministry.