A Day in the Life of Someone Living with Depression

Depression takes so many forms. Here’s how it looked for me today: All day I felt like a failure. An unending loop played in my head telling me that I have failed everyone in my life who loves me. My thoughts primarily focused on my wife and children who deserve a father who isn’t a failure.

They deserve a father who is loving, financially successful, upbeat, and well liked by others. But what they have instead is me. A person who is none of these things. I am a failure. This is what my depression tells me, and this is how I feel. Facts and reality mean nothing. I know (I think) that none of this is actually true, and yet knowing this does absolutely nothing to make me feel differently. The only truth that matters is the one that lives inside my head.

My feelings of failure also made it damn near impossible to think clearly today. I struggled mightily to write only a few words. Words that probably suck and will be of no use to anyone. On top of all of this is a pervasive boredom that has replaced my interest in topics I know I like. I went for a jog today (a near miracle) and listened to a book on my phone that has mesmerized me for weeks.

But today I had to force myself to keep listening. I know, intellectually, that I am interested in what the writer is saying. I can also appreciate the fact that the book is well written. I also know that I want to know what will happen next in the story. And yet, today, I do not care and feel as though I will never care about it or anything else I used to care about ever again. This is depression. And it is hard.