Defining Shame

It’s a word we do not often use in daily conversation, book groups, or church pulpits, but shame is something we all experience. It’s the feeling that we have missed the mark according to our own standard or our perception of someone else’s standard for us. Shame keeps us from being honest about our struggles, sins, and less-than-perfect moments. Fear of shame drives us to perfectionism in all areas of our lives, so that there would be no imperfection to be noticed and judged. Shame is what we heap on others when they fail us. Shame keeps us holding onto bitterness and refusing to forgive. We are impacted by the shame of sin committed against us, and this drives a wedge into our relationships.

Shame can be darker and deeper too. It’s what a perpetrator gives to his victim as he violates her. She will carry that shame forever unless she can find a way to bring it into the light of day. To disown it, she needs to name the shame as his. Shame can be the lack of parental affection and attention that leaves a child with the indelible mark of “not worthy.” Shame arises from past sin that seems to forever haunt you. You know, that sin that you feel like you can’t share with anyone. So you stay in hiding, holed up in your lonely bunker of one, never letting anyone get close enough to see you, to see that part of you.