A New Direction for Family Discipleship

If the Prof is 10 min late...

I was in my freshman year in college, and Statistics was the final class before Thanksgiving break. When the professor was ten minutes late, I and several others got up and left. God was kind to give us a head start for our journeys home.

Well, not quite.

When we returned to class, we learned the prof had given zeroes to those of us who had left early. She had arrived a couple minutes after we’d left. It was then that we learned the rule that students could leave if the prof is ten minutes late was a myth. We’d heard it so often that we simply believed it was true.

Have you ever experienced a similar mistaken belief? It’s quite common; it even has a name: the repetition truth effect. We tend to believe things that feel familiar to us. So, for example, if you believe that we humans only use 10 percent of our brains, you aren’t alone. According to one study, 65 percent of Americans believe that. But it’s not true. ^[1]

The Repetition Truth Effect and Family Discipleship

Here’s another one: parents today are failing to disciple in the home unlike a couple generations ago.^[2] Now, that first part is sadly true. Ample research supports it. It’s in the second part where we find the repetition truth effect. Parents in America have never discipled well. Go back a couple generations, and you’ll hear the same mantra. Go back a couple generations again, and you hear it again. Over and over again, all the way back to the Puritans. Here’s just one quote to make the point:

The memorizing of scriptural passages and of the different catechisms once constituted a regular duty in almost all well-ordered homes. Today it is rarely attempted … Family worship has declined until, at least in the United States, the percentage of families practicing daily worship in the home is so small as to be negligible.^[3]

That sounds like it could be written today, but it was written in 1915.

So, what’s the point? We know that family discipleship is critical (Deut. 6:4–9) and without it, our churches will not flourish. We need to be real with the parents in our churches about this, but we need to be truthful and fair about it too. It neither helps nor is it right if we perpetuate the myth that parents today simply need to get back to what was done in the past. We don’t need our parents looking backward at what might have been (but really wasn’t); we need them looking forward to what could be. Here are three ways you can help them do that.

1. Be a Visionary to Your Parents

Yogi Berra is believed to have said, “You’ve got to be very careful if you don’t know where you are going, because you might not get there.” I don’t know if Yogi said that, but it’s certainly true when it comes to family discipleship. I believe one of the greatest reasons why families haven’t thrived in discipleship in the home is because they simply haven’t understood its goal.

So, what is that goal? It’s not just teaching about Jesus, as important as that is. Neither is it having their children trust in Jesus; again, as essential as that is. No, the goal of family discipleship—its North Star—is the same for all discipleship: living like Jesus. Parents are to teach Jesus so the child comes to trust in Jesus, and then in his power, to live like him. That last part is what I think has been missing far too often. And I think that’s why discipleship in the home has been broken essentially since day one.

One of the best things you can do for your families, then, is to help them understand this. To help them realize that God has made their kids as image-bearers who are to imitate Jesus, the perfect image of God. They aren’t to copy his divine attributes, of course. They can’t. But they are to look at the perfect humanity of Jesus and find ways to express that in their context. I truly believe that if we share this, we can open the eyes (and hearts) of our parents. I believe we will give them a clear, actionable goal to work toward. And I believe we will give them one that they feel they can accomplish. Many parents might feel ill-equipped to explain the hypostatic union or the Trinity, but they can look to how Jesus was loving, and compassionate, and kind, and forgiving, and relational and help their kids discover how they can live those characteristics out too.

2. Be an Equipper to Your Parents

Casting a vision for family discipleship to your parents without equipping them to fulfill it is like standing with them on a beach in San Diego, pointing out over the Pacific Ocean and saying, “Japan is that way.” Sure, they might figure out a way to get there on their own, but it sure would be better if you gave them a boat.

Thankfully, there are ample resources to help parents. But if you can’t find anything that best fits your church, create your own. Will that take effort and resources? You bet! Is it worth it? Absolutely! If we believe family ministry is a priority for God, then it should be a priority for us. As you consider how you can best equip your families, consider two key areas: worshiping and praying.

First, provide your parents with content they can use in weekly times of family worship. I believe most parents want to worship as a family; they simply don’t know what to do. Giving them material they can use and training them to use it will go a long way to seeing family discipleship flourish. As you consider family worship materials, remember that most parents aren’t expert theologians and most, for right or wrong, don’t have tons of time. So be sure to find materials that are accessible and realistic in their demands on the families.

Second, be sure to provide help for how your families can pray together. This one might be easy to overlook because we can take it for granted that families will know how to do this. It’s only prayer, right? But the reality is that few of your families are currently praying together and they sure could use some help knowing how to do it. Think about the times when families can pray together—at meals, at bedtime, on the way to school, etc.—and different ways they can pray—the ACTS method, sentence prayers, popcorn prayers, etc.—and give them a prayer toolbelt they can draw from. If your parents don’t do anything else in family discipleship, encourage them to start here.

3. Be an Encourager to Your Parents

There’s a reason why we have sayings like “you can catch more flies with honey than with vinegar.” People are usually much more apt to respond to encouragement than rebuke. Encouragement motivates; it creates a world someone wants to live in. It dares someone to dream, to yearn for more.

Now, that’s not to say we should only talk about family discipleship as if we’re wearing rose-colored glasses. Remember, families aren’t doing the best in this area, and we need to be honest about it. But this is where the “Stockdale Paradox” comes into play.

In his 2001 best-seller Good to Great, Jim Collins talks about an interview he did with former Vietnam prisoner of war James Stockdale. Collins asked Stockdale how he survived as a POW when so many others didn’t. Stockdale answered this way:

You must never confuse faith that you will prevail in the end—which you can never afford to lose—with the discipline to confront the brutal facts of your current reality, whatever they might be.^[4]

That’s the Stockdale Paradox, mixing unwavering hope and unflinching truth. And that’s just what our parents need. 

Parents need to know that their highest calling is to disciple their children. They need to know that God requires it of them. They also need to know that statistically, very few families in America are doing this well. But they also need hope. They need to know that you believe in them, and even more importantly, that God does (or else, he wouldn’t have given them this critical assignment). They need you to cast a vision for what their homes, your church, and your community would look like if they took some basic steps toward discipling in the home. They need the brutal facts of reality, but they also need hope that they will prevail.

So, what might this look like? First, whenever you preach or teach on anything related to family discipleship, communicate in love. If you find yourself grimacing or grunting more than you smile, that’s a red flag.

Never underestimate how far a simple, “You’ve got this!” will go. Second, consider writing notes to your families on a regular basis. Tell them you’re praying for them (and do so) and that you believe in them. Let them know you’re in their corner. Third, look for any reason you can to praise them. Celebrate any and every win with them. And when they stumble—and they will—respond kindly and graciously. Be there to life them up, not step on them while they’re down.

It’s Worth It

Ministry is demanding. I served in local church ministry for 17 years; I get that. But when it comes to investing in family worship, it’s worth the extra time and energy it will require. It’s at the heart of God—and that should be good enough—but there’s another practical reason. It offers amazing ROI. What you invest to get the flywheel of family worship going in your church will provide a substantial return in the future. And that return will save you work in the future. Remember, when family worship flourishes, our churches flourish. And that includes you and your ministry.

^[1] https://www.britannica.com/story/do-we-really-use-only-10-percent-of-our-brain

^[2] Here’s one more: there’s such a thing as “literal,” or “word-for-word” Bible translating. But that’s another blog post for another time.

^[3] Henry Frederick Cope, Religious Education in the Family, The University of Chicago Publications in Religious Education (Chicago: University of Chicago Press, 1915), 47, 126.

^[4] Jim Collins, Good to Great: Why Some Companies Make the Leap…and Others Don’t (New York: HarperCollins, 2001), 85.